Finally we come to the magical topic of love… one which I’ve been avoiding for a long time because it’s really complicated. It may take a man 1/3rd of his natural life just to figure out what women want.
Well, fortunately after banging my head on the wall for so many years, I’ve finally gained some insight to see past the surface complications – puppy love, teenage crushes, love triangles, adulterous affairs, chemistry, compatibility, trust, idealized love, ‘the One’, third parties, break-ups, make-ups, threesomes, lust instead of love, and a whole plethora of factors which make this one of the hardest areas of life to set straight.
I can’t do justice to this topic with just one article… so I think I’ll split the topic over a series. I’m also not very tactful when it comes to love – I’m the hard-headed male who comes bursting onto the scene with flowers, champagne, chocolates, and special gifts. So let me talk to you about this from my heart, in the best way I know how.
What I see as the most common problems people are having with love are:
- Not being able to find a partner.
- Not being able to find a suitable partner.
- Not being able to hold on to a suitable partner.
Let’s tackle these problems one by one and see whether we can find answers…
Problem 1: Not being able to find a partner
Many people have the idea that ‘men should make the first move’. Heck, I believe that’s what has been ingrained in most men’s minds. So men are taught that they have to chase the women they want; they have to romance her, buy her flowers, write poetry, open doors, take her to dinner etc. And the act of doing so will cause her to fall in love with them. (Now don’t grin ladies… you must understand that men really need to know the truth about this.) Ordinary guys like us, truly believe we can WIN a woman’s heart this way. But that is sadly not the case…. How many times have we guys had our romantic advances rejected? Many times! And what was the reason she gave? That’s right, “you’re not my type!” This is worth repeating… *YOU’RE NOT HER TYPE*!
What men need to understand is that just as how they select women by their looks before deciding to approach, women are conscientiously selecting their men. But not always by his looks… women have a more evolved sense selecting an ideal partner, which takes into account personality, social status, intelligence, humour, entertainment ability and very important – accessibility (the man has to be within reach for her to grab hold of him). Each woman has her own preference and her own image of an ideal man. Some like their men tall; some like short, some like Adonis features – chiselled body, square jaw; some like their men to be big cuddly teddy bears. One woman’s fruit is another woman’s poison.
Being men, what we have to realize is that a woman will love whomever she wants to love – she makes the choice. The idea that you can ‘romance her to win her heart’ is a false idea spun by fairytales and Hollywood magic. Ladies don’t throw hot water on me yet… let me prove this point with a simple visualization.
Imagine… you arrive at work in the morning to find a bouquet of flowers sitting on your desk, a little note says, “You are the only woman for me – Love, your secret admirer.” After lunch, a gift-wrapped package appears on your desk. You carefully unwrap it. Inside lies a box of the most exquisite chocolates you have ever tasted! The little note reads, “Dessert for you, my sweet.” By now, your curiosity is burning, “Who is this mystery man sending me all these lovely gifts? Could it be James from marketing? That suave Adonis hunk… I’d sure like to tear my meat hooks into him; or maybe Alfred from accounting? That sweet gentleman… always brightens up my day with a laugh. Oh I’m dying to know who it is!” So which one is it? It’s neither! It’s Toad-Man sitting in the next cubicle! He who snorts out his boogers and eats them back down; he who stuffs himself like there is no tomorrow; he who leers at you each time you pass his cubicle; he who keeps pornographic magazines under his desk with playmates he claims you share a remarkable resemblance with. Can you love him? Maybe if you try really, really hard. But why bother when there is James down the corridor and Alfred in the next section? So I rest my case… Women want to be romanced, but ONLY by men they like and desire.
When men say, “I can’t find a girlfriend.” What they’re really saying is, “I’ve not been able to approach a woman I like who finds me attractive.” When women say, “I can’t find a boyfriend.” It means almost the same thing – “I’ve not been approached by a guy I like who finds me attractive.” You see, the dilemma is the same for both sexes. We’re just not approaching members of the opposite sex whom we find attractive. A week ago I received this email message from a friend:
[Used with permission]
From: xxx xxx xxxx [mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org]
Sent: Wednesday, June 21, 2006 1:06 AM
i saw what you have posted on your website very interesting and indulged in what you have posted. Moreover, I was quite surprised with you have wrote in the june edition of snag, you really impressed me with what you have wrote about cohesive relationships. It seem like your wisdom and knowledge have reached a new profound level… recently i have encountered a problem. Maybe perhaps you can provide me a solution or ways to tackle this issue
i got to know this gal at my workplace, we know each other after i managed to get for her some stuff at staff price at my workplace. we exchanged nos, and everthing started off very well. we talked a lot in our phone calls, sms each other often untill one particular incident that caused everything to turn… well a bit sour.. one of my colleague managed to call her and tell her that i missed her. OMG!! I was shocked. i immediately apologised to her and she managed to get over it, but then things seem to have died down after since, now we rarely talk or sms, even so, now [when] i walked past her area, she turned her head away and don’t look at me..oh man am i so depressed about this
well i do have a small crush on her but then things turned out this way, i guess she might be avoiding me or don’t want to talk to me..
hai. could you provide me a solution or anything to rescue this complicated issue??
may thks xxxxxxx
My reply follows below:
From: Lance Ong [mailto:email@example.com]
Sent: Wednesday, June 21, 2006 4:32 AM
To: ‘xxx xxx xxxx’
Subject: RE: relationships
GREETINGS! MY FRIEND, MR XXXXXXX!
I see you have are having a vexing issue to solve. No problem, you’ve asked the right person! I will not only tell you why she is behaving this way, I will also tell you what you should do to regain her interest. In Singapore earlier this year, I have conducted a series of workshops on romance & dating. Many of our participants have finally been able to date the opposite sex, and some have already gotten attached.
You see… in every relationship, there comes a point in time where the stakes must be raised if you are ever going to get closer to each other. By the fact that the two of you were already talking a lot on the phone and SMSing each other often, is a good sign which shows there is mutual interest. Normally, a guy in that position who follows the correct sequence has a high chance of hooking up with the girl. The critical moment was when your colleague called her to tell her you miss her. If you think from a girl’s perspective… someone telling me that a guy I like actually misses me, is a good thing! It’s a very good thing because it’s obvious that this guy is signaling a romantic interest in me. But when you called her to apologize, it appears to her that you have withdrawn your declaration of romantic interest.
To most girls, this is equivalent to a mild form of rejection – she was probably disappointed. What you should have done at that point in time, is pretend as if nothing happened. Continue to smile and chat with her as normal, until she brings it up. If she does not, then you let it slide. But if she does one day stop you and ask about what your colleague said (this is the moment of truth), you can smile and be playful about it, but in the end you must admit you like her. This is called taking a Social Risk. You are putting your ego and reputation on the line for rejection. Women love it. They like it when a man they have interest in, is bold enough to say that he likes her.
Her current behaviour is a natural social response when there is tension in a relationship. She probably can feel that you have interest in her, but since you have officially signaled that you have no interest, she’s confused and doesn’t know how to move the relationship forward. At this stage, only you can make the difference between life and death of the romance. You must be strong, be bold, and be flirtatious. Be willing to take a social risk. The next time you pass her desk and she looks away (using her hair to block, right?), you must deliberately break through this ice-shield by stopping in front of her desk, calling her name, and initiating a chat. You would be wise to bring a gift. This is a clear indicator of romantic interest. Simply start with a regular chat:
You: “Hey [her name], how are doing?”
Her: “Good/fine.” (smiles)
You: “Hey you know what, I’ve only got a minute, but I need a lady’s opinion about something.”
Her: “Sure! What?”
You: “Do you think a man who is bold about what he wants to get in life, is more attractive to women?”
Here you have initiated a discussion about an interesting topic. Actually, any topic works, as long as you get her talking. The goal is to break the ice and warm-up the relationship. Keep your conversation going for as long as you can, switching to other topics as necessary.
If you reach a lull in your conversation (and I assure you, you will), say “Hey, I’ve got something for you.” Then magically pull out your gift. (Make sure it’s gift-wrapped – that’s what makes it special.) Say, “I was passing by this shop and… [Explain why you got the gift]” or “I made it myself!” There are thousands of things you could give her, but what’s most important is that you’re sure she’ll like it. Proper gift-giving shows that you remember what she likes, and that you have good judgement, attention to detail, and are generous.
This simple bold act is enough to spark the fires of romance. But you’ll need to keep building on this. A fire with no fuel eventually burns out. You may be thinking, “C’mon Lance, this is not my style!” I understand the fear. All men have it. But those who can overcome their own demons and face the knife of rejection will be pleasantly surprised to find that the girl of their dreams is happy that he was brave enough to do so.
Good luck, my friend!